“I am a mom of four kids, one of which just recently went into remission for cancer. I have spent the last 9 months as his primary caregiver, never spending time to myself. As I looked at my calendar for June there was exactly 1 day, 5 hours to be exact, that I would have to myself. First, selfishly, I didn’t want to give this time to God. I desired “me” time. Then my heart was convicted. This worldly mantra of self-care and “me” time is not who I was created to be. Genesis is clear that humans were created for companionship, especially with God. Then, I was filled with fear. What if God didn’t show up? What if I missed Him? What if everyone had an incredible encounter with God and I missed out?
The day came and I turned my phone on airplane mode and set the timer for hour one. I sat there and struggled. It was as if I was a toddler being put to bed but not wanting to fall asleep. My mind kept thinking of my grocery list, getting a cup of water, the dog barking and wishing I had turned off the light. It was frustrating how hard it was to be still. Then I put my hands to my side, palms up, and simply prayed. “God, show up. I’m here to meet with you, come and meet with me”. At that moment I felt a weight in my right hand, and my fingers clinched around this weight. I lifted my left hand and moved it around and it was apparent the two hands felt different. He showed up and he held my hand. It was sweet and tender, firm yet comforting. I am not a touchy feely person, but God showed up for me in the way I needed. He gave me physical reassurance He was there with me, while also not wrapping me completely in his arms, since hugs make me cringe. He held my hand and then the tears started to flow.
When my son was diagnosed with a brain tumor, he was hours away from dying. Surgeries happened immediately and from start to finish it was full force. No time to process, no time to think. I spent all of my time in the hospital while balancing hospital life and our three other kids at home, who also needed their mom. I am the person people look to for comfort, so even in this trial, I found myself oftentimes offering words of comfort and strength to others. As I held God’s hand, I told him how I needed to be comforted. I needed someone to care for me. I lived all those months in a blur. For the next hour, He held my hand and visions of very specific, gut wrenching, hard days would come to my mind. I would cry and share my feelings, hurt and pain in those moments and He carried me through them all. Seeing all the times He was there with me, all the people He sent to care for us. And when we finished going through the journey, I talked with Him about my fears for the next step. Wondering what of my sons physical disabilities would be permanent, and what would he be healed from. I talked about the brokenness of my family emotionally, and repairing the hurt that was sprung on us through this journey. When it was done and I had felt all the feels, His hand left.
Hour 2: I was going to read the book of James. I figured it’s short and I can do a whole book in one hour but I couldn’t get past chapter 1. Starting with “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness and let the steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” I dove into this chapter and it spoke to all the areas of my life I was going through in this season. Reminding me that what we walked through was a Joy and a season where we were given a platform to Glorify God in every step we took. It also reminded me that I could not only be a hearer, but had to be a doer, so I dove into what that looks like.
Hour 3: It was time to be still again and the only picture I couldn’t get out of my head was my kids in the wave pool. They love it the most, but it gives me the most anxiety. I started to think about how the wave pool is like my walk with the Lord. Rule number one is to never go into the wave pool alone. We didn’t walk this journey alone. We have had an incredible community that has taken every step with us through it all. Building wheelchair ramps, cleaning my house, making meals, visiting us at the hospital, spending hours in the hospital waiting room during surgeries, and so much more.
The more shallow you are in the wave pool, the harder the waves hit and the harder it is to keep your feet under you. You have to go deeper in your walk. The waves will continue to hit, but the deeper you are in prayer, study, and community, the easier it is to handle them. There will be occasional times when you lose the rhythm and fall. You will go under water and feel like you are drowning, but all you have to do is put your feet back down and stand up. Stand firm on the foundation you have built for your faith. The waves come and go at a predesigned time, but it always feel unpredictable.
We don’t get to choose what we walk through, but God already knows when they will start and when they will stop. God is the lifeguard – always standing guard, watching and waiting, because when you get in too deep, you lose your focus. He is always waiting to save you.
It was such a sweet moment for us just watching the waves (then I might have taken a brief nap because the waves were calming). Isaiah 43:1-2 came to mind.
Finally, I prayed for my family. I prayed for their hearts, I prayed thanks and gratitude for God showing up, and sought forgiveness for ever doubting that He would do what he says He will do. I prayed for the attack the enemy was going to place on me after such a strong encounter. I let God speak into my life, and He told me what it looks like to lead in our Help Ministry at StoneWater Church.
The time spent went fast, and was much more life-giving than any self-care I could have given myself.”
-Sarah, Godley Campus
Stories from the Journey are real stories from people just like you—men and women walking the Discipleship Journey, saying yes to God in both big and small ways. As we move through each mile marker, let’s celebrate how God is working—and be reminded of what’s possible when we give Him our first and best.
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